gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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