I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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