I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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