My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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