I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
