Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My penis needs a shock collar
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
