my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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