I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you had me at cake vodka
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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