My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
