There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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