i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
