I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
