Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
