If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
