Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
