you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
