It's like God shit irony all over that family
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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