Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
