At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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