I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
