My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
