True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
