i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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