So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
