Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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