i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
