A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
