My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
