wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
