i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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