porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
