i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
