I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
