I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
