I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
