So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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