I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
