dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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