I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
