she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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