what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
