I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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