I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Dick very happy bro
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
