I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
