just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
