i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
