Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
