I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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