Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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