I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
