i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
